girlfriends

i sometimes have this insecure feelings about having girlfriends.
the girlfriends that usually ppl put a hashtag bff on instagram photos.
the girlfriends that we can do all the stupid things.
the girlfriends that we can share everything that we can't share with the boys.
the girlfriends that will laugh so hard at each other.

i do have some now.
i considered them to be my girlfriends.
for some people maybe the word best friend doesn't have strong meaning, but for me, it does.
but i always have this feeling of losing them because of what i did.
i know it sounds so emo. but perhaps it is because the past experience.

so it was when i was still in elementary school. i had someone that i considered to be my best friend. like the best of the best. i was kind of tomboy back then (until now actually), and play more with the boys (they were a gang) than girls, yet the ex-bestfriend (if i may say) was this kind of a pretty girl whose boys will like more. it was not a problem at all for me. until one day i was mad with the boys because some reasons (i forgot what was that - for god sake it was elementary, like ages ago!) and i didn't speak with them for some time. until one day it was fine.
but then there was one day that i found out when i was still not speaking with the boys - one of the day was the ex-bestfriend's birthday - she invited them for some kind of birthday party yet i was left alone. i didn't know at all about the party at the moment until someone recklessly said it about the matter. i felt confused, betrayed, and mad at the same time. and when i asked her, she said because she afraid i won't be happy if she invited me and the boys at the same time.
so, the someone that i considered to be best friend simply chose the boys over her best friend (which she claimed to be so) as easy as that. from that moment on, i dare not to call anyone best friend.

i made friends, a lot.. boys, girls, but mostly boys. simply because boys are less fake than girls. i can simply express anything without having to feel guilty or having thinking what they will think about me.
as time goes by, i open up myself to make a new best friend. but it was limited only for the boys. somehow by having a best friend boyfriend won't make me thing about betrayal.

until i moved to china. i don't make friends a lot here as i thought i would be. i knew some, i hangout with some, but didn't really found one that really fits me in (my boyfriend is simply exceptional). but than i made friends with these girls, start to hangout, and start to do all the stupidity together. we became closer and closer. we start to share feelings and secrets.
but there still this one insecure feeling.  afraid of what i'm saying is gonna heart them. afraid of what i do will think that i'm an asshole. afraid of another betrayal if i start to call them best friends.

maybe i'm thinking too much.
maybe ex-best friend is just a way to find the bestest friend.
maybe best friend will stay best friend.
i don't if you guys are my best friend yet... but i'm happy to call you girlfriends.